Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Most Over-Used Protagonists in Today's Novel Part III: The Porn Star

OK. So Fifty Shades of Grey sold fifteen gazillion copies. I get it. Sex sells, and we have known this ever since the first sexually reproducing hermaphroditic flatworms evolved out of an amoeba's binary fission gone wrong. But please understand something, dear reader (by which I actually mean, dear writer.) The fact that sex sells does NOT mean that writing porn is going to make you E.L. James. It won't, indeed.

To put a little bit of perspective on this "new" trend of writing porn disguised as literature, let's take a moment to review the evolution of porn.

In the beginning, there was Ron Jeremy.

Ron Jeremy at 2007 AVN Awards
Ron Jeremy at 2007... by CrazyJ attributed to CC by 3.0

For those of you who are too young to remember him, Ron Jeremy was the Christian Grey of his time. In fact, he was the Christian Grey of everyone's time, even more so than Christian Grey.

Jeremy starred in more than two thousand smut movies over the course of several decades. He was ranked number one by Adult Video News (AVN) on their Top Fifty Porn Stars of All Time, and for those of us who don't watch these goofy flicks, he's probably the only name in the biz that we can even come up with. I see the resemblance to Christian Grey, don't you?

But then, Jeremy's life and career took a turn for the worse. In the natural course of human evolution, the species came to understand that, actually, pornography is stupid, and anyone over 13 years of age doesn't need to watch porn and pretend to be all dark and devious in order to have sex. 

At the same time in history, another trend was occurring. Our species began to figure out that the music inevitably associated with pornography sucks.
Disco Dancers
Disco Dancers by eeyrsja open clipart public domain

The 8-track soundtracks and the VHS videos began increasingly to grace the bargain sections of adult bookstores, and the popularity of the industry faded. The ruin of his career forced Ron Jeremy into a life of terrorism. He later confessed to plotting the September 11 attacks.

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed after capture
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed Taken by US Forces Public domain

So you see, dear reader (and by that, again, I mean writer,) writing porn will only land you in Guantanamo Bay. And...your novels will suck. So please, stop doing it. Just stop it. Thank you.

For additional examples of the Most Over-Used Protagonists in Today's Novel, click here and here.


  1. Ewww! HE was a porn star? I'd turn gay before I let that thing near... oh, wait... I am gay! Lol!!

    I am working on my memoir and have a couple of sex scenes, but that is as close as I will come to writing porn, thank you very much!

    Nice essay! :)

  2. I went to a concert earlier this summer to find Ron in my seat. I was like "Excuse me Mr. Jeremy..." The picture you posted of him is actually a rather generous one. He may not be a looker, but he was very polite and didn't try to play the star card and refuse to move. I also saw him graciously taking photos with anyone who asked. But I digress...

    Fun fact: Did you know that all of our home viewing technology is determined by the adult film industry? When they chose VHS, Beta died. When they chose DVD, the long-forgotten competitive formats died. Smut is a force to be reckoned with. And it can be well written. Case in point, the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice [writing as A. N. Roquelaure]. I am a huge fan of all her work. I don't read romance novels, but when Anne gets a little naughty it's very, very enjoyable to read. When she gets a lot naughty it's even better.

    1. LOL Jenn, that WOULD happen to you! I have actually heard before that Ron Jeremy is a very gracious guy. I guess he would have to be...I can't imagine what complaints in life he could possibly have LOL.

      Yeah, I know a lot of people are big on smut...but it's all starting to look the same to me

  3. Kris,

    Wow this is quite the post. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Ron Jeremy, and John Travolta all in one post. If the medical researcher/biological genius doesn't work out, you might have a future in creative thinking. Of the three, I have only heard stories about Travolta. If the stories are true then he certainly fits into this group.

    Im not sure what a Christian Gray is, but I like my porn clean and my reading dirty. Either way, I would prefer to stay out of Gitmo, so I don't do sex, but I have lots of violence and intrigue.

    1. Haha Rob, yep, you got the spirit of the post AND the message!